Verdict

Based on a true story...   

    Kiat closed his eyes and blinked hard. He still couldn’t believe what he saw before him. The whole world seemed to fade away from his sight. Nothing mattered anymore. Not his friends, who only looked on in anticipation; not his teacher, who only seemed eager to hand over this slip of paper to him; not even himself.

    “You did better than the Prelims,” she said, in a voice that seemed worn with the events of the day. “At least you cleared all your subjects.”

            “Thanks, Ms Ang,” he said, now visibly tired and only looking for a place of solace. “Thanks for teaching me.”

            Kiat took the slip of paper and departed at once from the large auditorium hall. Ignoring the glances from the multitudes of people around, he made his way to the back of the hall; up the familiar staircase he used to climb after every test. Now he was finally alone.

            He opened the slip of paper once more – the document that would seal his fate for the rest of his life. Staring hard at the amalgamation of words and letters, Kiat couldn’t help but think about what his friends would say. In a school where at least eighty per cent of students had grades of near straight “A”s, results like his were a rarity. And he knew it wouldn’t get better at home.

Coming from a family where academic achievements were viewed superior to any other results, Kiat felt that what he had in his hands would totally and utterly disappoint his parents. He was their only son, their only hope. All their hard-earned money was channelled to one purpose, and one purpose only – for him to do well so he could enter the university, find a job, get married, and eventually provide for the family. It was as if Kiat could see his dad seated at the dinner table after a long day of work, saying nothing but just trying to numb his mind by reading the newspapers. And his mum – how she would labour from dawn to dusk from the kitchen to the living room and back to the kitchen again; the bottles of Brands’s Essence of Chicken and bowls of black chicken soup she would brew before his exams. He felt he had failed them. Totally failed them.

Kiat closed his eyes once more; already he knew the inevitable was coming. Years upon years of pent-up emotions welled up from deep inside him. He had tried to be strong; test after test he had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, with only the “Captain of the Heart” for company and the soppy love songs that blurry-eyed couples dedicated to each other. And it wasn’t fair. He knew people like Keong and Charles spent hours playing CS at the gaming centres. And they still did so much better than him. Not fair at all.

And they came. Tear after tear, until he could bear it no longer. The river had finally burst its banks.

“Kiat, is that you,” a tiny voice materialised from nowhere. “Been looking all over for you.”

But he didn’t hear. It was as if he was swimming in the vast waters of the Niagara and all he could feel were the surges of water rushing down the long, steep falls. He wished he could just jump into a canoe and be lost beneath the falls, never to be seen again; never to be heard from again.

“Kiat, it’s you after all,” the voice persisted, “finally found you. Are you ok?”

Somewhere in the middle of the Niagara, Kiat felt a strong tugging at his canoe. He felt helpless as the little craft was dragged against the rushing currents, away from the water’s edge. It was as though someone was violently shaking his entire body. He jumped to his feet.

“Jack… you… what are you doing here?” Kiat was startled that he had been caught in a moment of weakness, and subtly attempted to rub away his watery eyes.

“Looking for you loh… Eh Kiat you ok?” The words seemed tentative, as though afraid he would say something wrong. “You look like you’ve been…. Er… Eh we go bowling? Sharon and the rest are waiting.”

“No lah, I’m tired, going home soon. Want to rest.” The words gushed out before he could give any thought to them, although he wondered whether he would truly be able to find the rest he sought.

“Er… ok loh… but hey just go for awhile. Will be fun… you always like to bowl with us right?” Jack took another shot at persuading his friend, as he had done so many times before.

“No lah… I won’t go.” Kiat couldn’t possibly go anywhere in this state. Besides, he just wanted to be alone. What if his friends started talking about the results and compared what they got? It just wasn’t worth the risk.

“Er… ok loh.. Kim says she’s coming too…” Jack was more confident this time, his voice taking on a more comforting tone. “And Kiat… you know we all care about you.”

A little thought tugged at the bottom of his mind. “ I… er… ok lah… maybe I’ll go for a short while.” Kiat wasn’t always this easily convinced, but this time he swept away his inhibitions. Maybe it would help to have his good friends around. Perhaps it would be good to strike away his pain. All he knew was that he didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to be alone anymore.

Kiat glanced once again at the little slip of paper – the symbol of all his hopes and fears. It represented a harsh verdict that had been imposed on him – one that the people around had delivered without giving much thought to the person he was and the individual he would be in the future. He folded the paper and slipped it into his pocket. He knew now that he would no longer be bounded by what had been imposed on him. Instead he would strive to create his own future. His parents would understand, or if not he would try his best to convince them. They had to. They loved him. And his friends – he knew he couldn’t do without them. It was a race, this he realised. And the ones who ran the fastest at the start didn’t always finish first in the end. But he knew this race was not about winning, but about finishing and ending well. 

   
This story was written by Mark Lim Shan-Loong on 27th February 2004.

Words from the Heart